7 dangerous hazards you should be aware of…

Local Kids Sometimes Drag See-Saws Into The Street And Play On Them. This sign is a few blocks from where I live. While I have never personally seen a see-saw in the street, I am always on the lookout for them. Not because I’m afraid of killing children, mind you, but rather because I’m pretty sure hitting a see-saw would fuck up my car. I like my car.

Airbags Are Essential For Automotive Safety, But Will Destroy A Carseat And Clobber Your Kid In The Head If You Forget To Turn It Off. This warning appears on the outside of the visor in my car. So whenever I glance upwards, I’m faced with the unremovable image of an infant getting crushed to death. This might be disturbing if it wasn’t so incredibly amusing. I’ve found that strapping a small child into the passenger seat and pointing to this sign is a great way to keep them quiet when you’re taking them someplace unpleasant, like to their pediatrician or Los Angeles.

Water Is Wet. It is a little known fact that one of the main ingredients in rain is water. Please be advised that when you’re driving your car in the rain, it’s possible that there will be water on the roads, which tends to make roads slippery and drivers stupid. So if you’re stupid and it starts to rain while you’re driving, you should probably pull over and play with the fuzzy dice until the magic water stops.

Don’t Fuck Around Or God Will Smite You In The Neck With A Lightning Bolt. This sign appears on the side of a server rack where I work. We all make fun of the sign because it’s really stupid. “No one gets electrocuted in places like this! Ha Ha!” we say. What a silly sign, right? Well, between you and me, I once got electrocuted in a room just like that, thanks to a broken, leaking air conditioner, a corresponding pool of water, a large amount of electronic equipment that is allergic to water, my brilliant assessment of the situation, immediately followed by me standing in the pool of water and grabbing the nearest large piece of conductive metal. It was shortly after that day that I became so odd. Coincidence?

Children Should Run No Faster Than 25 Miles Per Hour In The Vicinity Of This Sign. Kids routinely exercise poor judgment, because they are small, inexperienced, and attend public school. They are also much faster than we think they are, apparently capable of reaching a footspeed beyond 25mph. And if that is indeed the case, I’m thinking they should stop bugging their parents for rides, if only so I can have that stupid airbag warning label removed from my visor. I’m a Darwinian supporter. Kids playing in the street are fair game, seesaw or no seesaw. Gotta thin the herd somehow…

This Road Actually IS A Through Way, And A Fantastic Shortcut To Boot, But The People That Live Around Here Fucking Hate It When You Use This Street To Skip That Intersection Around The Corner with the 45-minute Red Light, Because Your Car Might Be Shitty And Having Lots Of Shitty Cars Around Might Lower Property Values, Asshole. Some of these are self explanatory, folks. Try and keep up, will ya?

Beware Of This Sign! This is absolute genius. A warning sign that warns you of the dangers of itself. Somewhere out there, there’s a guy whose job it is to make this sign, another guy responsible for deciding that the sign was necessary, and a guy in charge of putting the sign where it needs to go. And if you think about it, this sign is equally useful EVERYWHERE! The production and placement of these signs could solve unemployment nationwide. It’ll be a dangerous nation because we’re surrounded by dangerous signs, but at the same time perfectly safe because we’re surrounded by signs warning us of the hazards of dangerous signs. Fucking brilliant.

So please be careful, dammit.

Tags: warning, warning signs, hazard