When last we visited our pregnant couple, Amanda and Flash, we talked about Amanda’s ever-increasing appetite.

Amanda’s appetite, according to Flash, pales in comparison to her mood swings. Beginning in the second month of her pregnancy, Amanda’s mood swings have become increasingly intolerable. In all seriousness, Amanda’s condition is comparable to a temporary (we hope) form of split personality disorder. Over the last few weeks, Flash has been able to identify the following personalities:

The Gentle Maiden

Symptoms: Amanda bears uncanny resemblance to June Cleaver. Wears pretty dresses, cooks large amounts of baked goods, greets Flash at door with a kiss.
Drawbacks: Flash sent to his room without dinner for swearing and refusing to use coasters.
Extremes: Begins using works like “golly” and “bathroom tissue” instead of her usual “damn” and “toilet paper.” Refers to me as “that unruly Haskell boy.” Insists that she and Flash sleep in separate beds.

The Victim

Symptoms: Cries a lot and talks endlessly about the imminent collapse of society.
Drawbacks: Extremely sensitive. Things like ring-around-the-collar and sappy TV commercials reduce her to tears.
Extremes: Called in $1,000 donation to Sally Struthers.

The Workhorse

Symptoms: Needs to clean everything. Develops Michael Jackson-like fear of germs.
Drawbacks: Can’t watch football at Flash’s because Amanda tried to wash the TV in the dishwasher.
Extremes: Flash has to park his car on the street while Amanda finishes re-paving the driveway.

The Lazy Bum

Symptoms: Lies in bed all day with TV remote in one hand and lukewarm beverage in the other, much like I do during football season.
Drawbacks: Flash called upon for bedpan duty. (Just for the record, I get up to use the bathroom during football season.)
Extremes: Over a three-day period last week, Amanda actually moved less than Australia did from continental drift.

The Punisher

Symptoms: Amanda becomes a shrew, hell-bent on the destruction of anything that can produce a considerable amount of facial hair.
Drawbacks: Flash has been unable to block Amanda’s left hook. I told him to roll with the punch and counter with a few shots to the body, but he doesn’t want to hurt the baby. Go figure.
Extremes: Amanda ran out of gas on the interstate last week. Walked to gas station, bought gas can and gas, walked back to car, poured gas on car, set fire to car, walked home.

The Happy Hooker

Symptoms: Simply put, Amanda becomes a sex-crazed maniac.
Drawbacks: None, as far as Flash is concerned.
Extremes: Every now and then, Flash has to rush to pick Amanda up on a city street corner before someone else does.

Because Flash is now able to identify these personalities, they have become easier to cope with, especially when he’s had a lot of beer. However, it is not rare for Amanda to take on more than one personality at once. This is very dangerous for Flash. (Stop laughing.)

For instance, when the Gentle Maiden meets the Workhorse, Flash finds himself baking cookies at gunpoint. When the Victim and the Lazy Bum get together, Flash has to lie in bed with Amanda watching old reruns of “thirtysomething.” And when the Punisher and the Happy Hooker combine, Flash hides in the closet for days at a time, clutching his pistol and a bottle of scotch.

Being completely honest, I must admit that what worries me most about all this is if things are really this bad, just how violent have Flash’s thoughts become? I’m betting he’s already hired a hitman. That being the case, I sure hope he catches Amanda on the right day. He may be able to put a bullet in the Gentle Maiden, but the Punisher would have any hitman for dinner. And from what I’ve seen of Amanda’s eating habits lately, I mean have him for dinner literally…

Tags: mood swings, hormones, pregnancy