As we enter the final day of 2005, I thought I’d go back and count the number of spam questionnaires my “friends” have sent me this year. You know, the ones with a few dozen mind-numbing questions designed to let you get to know your Internet buddies a little better. What’s your favorite color? Have you ever been in love? Coke or Pepsi?

Don’t you just hate those things?

Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right? Here’s what we’re going to do: The next time you receive one of those questionnaires, replace it with this one and send it to everyone on the recipient list…

1) What time is it?
2) How many seconds?
3) What is your favorite color?
4) Really?
5) What is your nickname?
6) Don’t you wish it was something cooler, like Thunder or Spleef?
7) Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake?
Number of seconds you worried that if you tried to blow them all out at once, you might spit on the person sitting across from you?
9) Do you have any pets?
10) What the hell for?
11) I’m sure they’re cute, but don’t they ultimately just pee on stuff?
12) What color is your hair?
13) Are you mad at the person that cut it that way?
14) How many piercings do you have?
15) If more than two, how drunk were you when you got the others?
16) Don’t you think Terrell Owens is an asshole?
17) Where were you born?
18) You know that little divot thing between your nose and upper lip?
19) What the hell is that for?
20) Have you ever been in love?
21) With a tranny prostitute named Leroyetta?
22) Have you ever been drunk?
23) With a tranny prostitute named Leroyetta?
24) Have you ever been in a car accident?
25) Was it in a parking garage in DC with the front bumper of a maroon Ford Ranger while the owner was at work, and then you drove away without owning up to it? Huh? Was it?
26) What’s your favorite TV show?
27) You don’t think that show sucks?
28) Really?
29) What’s your astrological sign?
30) You don’t believe in that shit, do you?
31) What’s your favorite toothpaste?
32) Do you leave the cap off?
33) Isn’t that annoying?
35) What happened to Question 34?
36) What’s your favorite fancy restaurant?
37) Okay, what’s your favorite fancy restaurant that doesn’t have a drive thru?
38) What’s your nickname?
39) Didn’t I ask that already?
40) Who was your favorite Sesame Street character?
41) Now that you’re older, don’t you think Bert and Ernie were gay?
42) When was your last hospital visit?
43) What was it for?
44) Do they still knock that out with penicillin, or is there a cream or something?
45) What color is your bedroom carpet?
46) But what color is that spot you puked on after last year’s Super Bowl party?
47) Don’t you find e-mail questionnaires annoying and invasive?
48) How much do you weigh?
49) By how many pounds did you just lie?
50) Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
51) With a tranny prostitute named Leroyetta?
52) What do you do when you’re bored?
53) Who gives a shit?
54) When I mention Leroyetta, do you picture that huge dude from “The Green Mile” in lipstick and a Dolly Parton wig?
55) Isn’t there something you forgot to do today?
56) If Dave leaves Seattle heading east at 65mph, and Lionel leaves Boston heading west at 72mph, how long will it take Dave to realize that he forgot his wallet?
57) What time do you wake up in the morning?
58) What time do you actually drag your lazy ass out of bed?
59) If you could have lunch with one famous person, living or dead, wouldn’t you pick someone living?
60) Would you order an appetizer?
61) What was the last film you saw in a theater?
62) Was that really loud guy that insists on talking the whole time sitting right behind you?
63) Don’t you wish that guy had to spend a month in a small jail cell with Leroyetta and a large supply of Viagra?
64) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
65) Does it taste as bad as I imagine?
66) If you were to be stranded on a desert island with only one person, whom would you choose?
67) But don’t you think they’d really hate you for putting them in that situation?
68) If you won the lottery, would you give me half?
69) Why the hell not?
70) How many keys are on your key ring?
71) How many of them do you no longer remember what they unlock?
72) Well then why don’t you throw them away?
73) How good a kisser are you?
74) How do you know?
75) Look at the time now. How much of your time have I managed to waste with this nonsense?

Tags: e-mail spam, spam, questionnaire, e-mail questionnaire