What do you do when your significant other starts snoring pretty regularly? This has recently become a problem for me, which is tricky because, while it’s incredibly disturbing to a guy who gets next to no sleep to begin with, it’s also a little humiliating for this person you care about who now routinely sounds as though she’s got a Harley with no muffler shoved up her nose.

So how better to show sympathy and support for a private, embarrassing problem than to write about it mockingly on a website visited by hundreds of people a day? (Tough shit, lady.)

Fortunately, due to the wonderful gift of genetics, I have some experience with snoring. I, personally, do not snore. This I get from my father. Thanks, Dad. Dad can, and usually does, fall asleep quietly while in any type of seated position. Head falls back, mouth wide open, but the rest of his body oddly remains seated in perfect posture and pose. His mother had a tendency to be very forceful, so I’m guessing his body automatically adheres to the “Sit up straight!” rule, even while he’s asleep. Anyway, odd sleeping habit, but no snoring.

My mother’s side of the family, on the other hand, is full of World Class Snoring Champions. My sister, mother, and grandmother all suffer from HSD (Hilarious Snoring Disorder). Even if you stand up to 50 yards away from their bedrooms, you can still hear snorting noises more plentiful and louder than the restroom of Studio 54, circa 1978.

Snoring is obviously a widespread problem, but how do you learn to live with it? More importantly, is there a way to stop it? Apparently you can…

First there’s this bad boy. This strappy thing claims to eliminate snoring by holding the offending party’s mouth shut. In many marriages in the United States, I’m thinking this could also be used during waking hours to stop bitching, nagging, complaining, and the utterance of seemingly benign questions that often result in arguments and sudden testicular trauma (”Do you think she’s pretty?”). But it also has the side effect of making it appear as though you’re sleeping with an Olympic wrestler, which is of little use if you’re a heterosexual male or a French Olympic judge.

So maybe this would be better. This device is very similar, and also quite a bit funnier. I’m going to pass, if only because it looks like something Hannibal Lecter might wear, and waking up next to Hannibal Lecter might make me pee on myself, even if he’s sleeping quietly. Also, “Please strap this on your face,” doesn’t strike me as a nice thing to say to the person who completely controls your sex life.

But fear not, Snoring Sufferers, because after hours of tireless research (i.e. 2 minutes of Googling), I have discovered the perfect solution for those who sleep next to the neverending sound of a herd of mating wildebeests…

Infect Your Partner With Another Sleep Disorder!

Skeptical? Well, have a look at this absolutely true news story…

LONDON, Oct 25 (Reuters) - Researchers are struggling to understand a rare medical condition where sufferers unknowingly demand, or actually have, sex while asleep, New Scientist magazine reported on Wednesday.

I cannot tell you how excited I am about this idea. I also cannot tell you how much trouble I’m going to be in when she reads this at work in the morning.

I have no idea how you can cause this disorder in others, but I’m sure the doctors on Extreme Makeover can come up with something now that they have a lot more free time on their hands.

They call this condition “sexsomnia”, which is a brand new word that I’m sure has instantly become one of the most searched terms on Match.com and eHarmony.

And if “nymphosexsomniac” isn’t a word yet, it should be. Right now, it’s everything I look for in a woman.

(I am so totally screwed. Tune in next week for a JagPot Special Report… Hell: Up Close and Personal)

Tags: snore, snoring, sexsomnia, nymphosexsomniac