I’ve already gotten an e-mail in defense of snakes. It comes to us from Mike L. Here’s the important part…

Glad your back! Its been a LONG TIME since your last post and it looks like your next one is going to pick on snakes. I have a pet snake and…

I left the rest out because it is at this point that I realized that Mike L. is insane, and I will not use The JagPot as a forum to encourage insanity unless it’s my own.

“What makes you think Mike is insane?”

Mike is insane because he has a pet snake and snakes, as we all know, are evil.

“What? Snakes aren’t evil!”

Insanity! Yes, snakes are too evil. I can prove it. What follows is pure scientific fact. Any evidence to the contrary is stupid and will make me cry, so keep it to yourself.

Exhibit A: Snakes can move around, but they don’t have any legs.

“So? They slither.”

No! Slithering is bullshit! Lay down on the floor right now and slither. Can’t do it, can you? That’s because “slither” is a word evil people made up to explain how snakes move. What else slithers? Nothing! Slithering is evil nonsense.

So if snakes can move and they have no legs and slithering is bullshit, then how do they do it? I’ll tell you how they do it.

Telekenesis. They move themselves with their minds.

There’s no other explanation. And the only other living things that can move stuff with their minds are David Blaine and David Copperfield, who are both obviously evil. I’ve seen both these guys make stuff disappear, and everyone is so damn impressed by it that they forget to ask them to put the stuff back where they found it. They’re thieves, is what I’m saying. And I bet they can slither.

So, David Blaine and David Copperfield are evil because they steal and move stuff with their minds. Snakes move with their minds, so they’re evil, too. This also proves that The Devil’s first name is David. David “The Devil” Satan, I bet.

Exhibit B: Snakes only eat living things that they subdue by biting, poisoning, or squeezing them to death, then swallow them whole.

Any way you slice it, that’s evil. There’s no defending that crazy shit.

“Wait a second. We eat living things all the time.”

What, like chicken? Have you ever bitten a live chicken? Ever poisoned one? Strangle one? No, of course you haven’t. The evil KFC people do all that for you. Have you ever swallowed a whole chicken? No, because you’re not evil.

If you’re going to eat another living thing, you gotta chew it or you’re evil. That’s the rule.

“What about whales? Whales swallow tons of living things whole. Are whales evil?”

No, whales aren’t evil because they can jump through big hoops and splash water on tourists. They’re playful and smart and kinda cute. Snakes can’t do any of that stuff, and they’re sneaky, scary, and violent, like Joe Pesci.

Exhibit C: Snakes are poisonous. Anything that can spew poison is evil.

“Hold it right there. Not all snakes are poisonous.”

Oh, you stupid, stupid soul. The snakes that are “not poisonous” are just laying low. They’re the smart ones. They’ve got poison, they’re just saving it for the right moment, like when Mr. Macho Yard Worker Guy says to his terrified son, “Don’t sweat it, kid. That’s a black snake. They’re not poisonous, and they keep the rodents away. They’re good snakes to have around.”

That snake is waiting to get the guy alone, and then… CHOMP! And the guy’ll die from the poison, the snake will swallow him, and then it’ll morph into a doppleganger of the guy and take all his stuff and sleep with his wife and beat his kid and kick his dog and all kinds of other evil shit. “HAHAHA! You fool,” he’ll say. “‘Good snake to have around!’ Idiot! I don’t keep rodents away! I ATE those motherfuckers!”

David Copperfield and David Blaine started out as black snakes, is what I’m saying. The real Copperfield and Blaine were accountants from Newark. Now they’re snake poop.

All snakes are poisonous, and all poisonous stuff is evil.

Exhibit D: Snakes look evil. They got no hair, they’re all scaley, they got big fangs, beady eyes, creepy tongues, and they’re shaped like turds.

The scaley, no hair thing is bad enough all by itself. If you’re gonna live on land and pass for something not evil, you should definitely have hair and not look creepy.

“I guess that finally proves it then. Francois Mitterand is evil.”

Hey, I’ll make the Evil French Guy jokes around here, goddammit.

You got anything else to say about snakes looking evil?

“Nah. They are pretty freaky looking.”

Good. Anything else to add?

“Uhhhh… I like beer.”

Me, too. Let’s go grab a few.

I’m outta here, folks. Thanks for the e-mail, Mike. I sincerely appreciate you reading the site. You seem really nice, for an evil, snake-owning motherfucker.

Tags: snakes, copperfield, blaine, poisonous