A few days ago, the profoundly talented Matthew Baldwin of Defective Yeti fame recounted a childhood story of his sister’s fear of Santa Claus. This got me thinking about Santa, because we all know someone with a Scary Santa story, whether it’s a kid who got freaked when his beard came off and peed on him or whatever else.

What I’ve come up with is that you’re never more logical and intuitive than you were as a kid. So even though your parents tell you upbeat stories about mystical figures like Santa, your mind only hears the facts…

1) He’s an old, fat guy that hangs around with midgets and flying woodland creatures.

2) He breaks into your house in the middle of the night.

3) He wants to eat your cookies.

4) He keeps a list of Naughty and Nice kids, most kids know they’re naughty, but no one ever says what Santa does to those kids, do they?

5) When you ask him for a mess of fireworks and a slingshot, he brings you socks.

This isn’t exactly the resume of a jolly old soul to a kid, is it?

While we’re at it, the Easter Bunny must run a chicken slave colony, cuz even a kid knows that bunnies don’t lay eggs. And what the hell does the Tooth Fairy need with all those teeth, anyway? Another couple of vaguely creepy, rarely-seen creatures with long careers of breaking and entering while children are sleeping to do all sorts of weird and sneaky shit.

These aren’t the cute stories we make them out to be, are they? As adults, if we were ever confronted by elves, fairies, and rabbits breaking into our homes to eat our cookies, steal our teeth, or hide eggs behind the radiator, we’d likely beat them silly with a 9-iron and have them arrested.

So I’m with the kids. Come next December, I’m going to pee on the first Santa I see…

Tags: santa claus, christmas humor, easter bunny, tooth fairy