New Years Resolutions: Practice in Self Improvement or Just Another List of Empty Promises? Hell if I know. My New Year’s resolutions…

1) Be more punctual. I’m doing my New Year’s resolutions on January 27th, so this one’s screwed already.

2) Drink less. This one will probably lead to a cocaine habit.

3) Quit smoking. Very easy. I quit smoking five or six times a year. No problem.

4) Eat better. Even though I’m doing very well financially, I haven’t yet kicked the broke food habit. If you’re gonna stick to eating ramen and hot dogs all the time, the only way you’re going to lose weight is by choosing to cut off a leg. I kinda need my legs, so I guess I’d better start spending more on real food, like vegetables and pizza.

5) Learn how to use ellipses properly. I still don’t quite get it. Do you just put ‘em between words…like this? Or should there be a space … like that? Or… that? It’s one of a million things I’m just too lazy to look up. Being that my former English teacher stopped by recently, maybe she can help me. I’m not very smart. I need Special Help.

6) No more Michael Jackson jokes. It’s just too easy. Ragging on Michael Jackson is as easy as picking on the scrawny nerd at recess, except Michael Jackson deserves it. However, I reserve the right to resume picking on Mike if he does new weird shit. The cut-off is today, so that thing this past week where he dressed like a woman to disguise himself while shopping is off limits. Dammit!

7) Be more responsive to The JagPot’s e-mail. I’m gonna start this tomorrow. An irate reader tore me a new one for making fun of the new Pope, and I’ve been meaning to reply. This will give him the opportunity to have his voice heard, and me the chance to make fun of Catholics. As it turns out, making fun of Catholics is easier than picking on Michael Jackson…

Tags: new year, resolutions, top 10, smoking