I’m now officially back. We implemented the 3rd phase of our federal security contract this weekend, and prepping for that on top of the chocolate-related bridal show and Valentine’s Day hasn’t left me a lot of time to write. Now I can get back to spending a portion of my day looking for goofy shit and making silly pictures…

I’d like to start by letting you know how I’m doing with my New Year’s resolutions.

1) Be more punctual. My rule on JagPot posts was a post every two days, no matter what. So that’s one resolution flushed down the toilet right there.

2) Drink less. This was just a bad idea. I’m 50% Irish, 50% German. Alcohol is like oxygen to my people. Trying to quit drinking is probably what got the IRA and Hitler all fired up. I gave it shot, but I could hear the bottles of Killian’s in the fridge calling out to me…

3) Quit smoking. Quitting smoking is a noble pursuit, but I think it has to start with self preservation. I don’t have any delusions about living to be 70 or 80. I’m far too impulsive and reckless for that, and it’s not like there’s a big up side to being 80. The only benefits I see are dinner and movie discounts, which come in handy if you wanna date Bea Arthur, and that it’s slightly more acceptable to pee on yourself. With that in mind, I’m not scared of dying young. Smoking and drinking will probably help me achieve that goal.

4) Eat better. Here’s the thing: I don’t like healthy food. Lettuce is fine on a sub or burger. It’s a condiment to me. Therefore, a bowl of lettuce is like a bowl of mustard. No, thank you. I also tried something called a Veggie Burger. I got a box of 12 at Costco pretty cheap, took them home, tossed a couple on my George Foreman grill, and gobbled ‘em up. It was an enlightening experience to say the least. I’d like to use this opportunity to address the creators of the Veggie Burger: I hope you choke to death on one of your monstrosities, you evil, twisted bastards. How you can call something a Veggie Burger that does not possess any properties of a vegetable or a burger is beyond me.

So instead of eating better, I’ve decided to eat less. This should be easy now that I’m drinking more. Oh, and I’m not changing my choice of beer, cuz I’ve also got a few choice words for the creators of Ultra Lite beer…

5) Learn how to use ellipses properly. I still haven’t looked this up, but I guess I’ve got 10 months left. I was hoping my retired English teacher would chime in to enlighten me, but I think recent pictures of Pamela Anderson and Courtney Love and topics involving Catholicism and pedophilia (though not in connection to one another, oddly enough) might have scared her away. Or maybe she doesn’t know how to uses ellipses, either, which might explain why her English class was no help. You’ll notice, however, that my ignorance of proper use does not stop me from using them anyway… … … Neener neener…

6) No more Michael Jackson jokes. I’ve been doing good with this one, though I think he’d fit nicely into a piece about Catholicism and pedophilia. Stay tuned.

7) Be more responsive to The JagPot’s e-mail. This one’s hard, but I don’t think I’ve failed yet. I did respond to Jetson’s e-mail request last week, though he did send a follow-up message describing a dream he had about me. I won’t go into details, other than to say that it involved Fred Mertz, an Indian tribal clinic, and a mysterious woman named Rosalie. This is absolutely true, and it helps illustrate how a lot of the e-mail I get is really difficult to respond to. Keep it coming, and I’ll do my best.

Tune in tomorrow for a new Pick 7. We covered embarrassing music a while back, and tomorrow we’re moving on to TV shows I’m kinda ashamed to admit I watch…

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Tags: new year’s, resolutions, top 10