Continuing the Why Saga…

Why can’t Courtney Love get her shit together? Let’s say for a second that you’re kinda talented when it comes to music. You’re in a respected, successful band, you’ve got shitloads of money, a beautiful kid, glamorous friends, and everything else your heart desires.

How could you possibly manage to fuck that up? It takes a special kind of stupid.

Courtney Love completely blows my mind, and I’ve heard that if you have fifteen bucks at 2am on Ventura Boulevard, she’ll blow your mind, too. The only way you could possibly do less with such good fortune is to stick a shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger. So at least she’s coping with success and fame better than Curt did…

Why can’t Steven Seagal take a hint?

It’s no secret that no one wants to see a fat, balding old guy with a ponytail starring in an action movie. He looks like the old guy at the club. You know, the 50-year-old guy with the earring and leather jacket at the local dance club, leering at all the Britney wannabes like a pedophile with a drooling problem? Except this one can kick everyone’s ass while spouting clever one-liners, like tossing a guy through the windshield of a car and saying, “End of the road, pal.”

Ah, the life of an overage action star. Maybe he’ll pull a Chuck Norris and get his own TV show… Slouching Tiger, Fattened Dragon anyone? But movies?

No, Fat Steve. Please stop. We don’t mind when Sly and Arnie do it, cuz they still look like they could pull a guy’s liver out through his nose. Hell, even Clint’s still got that patented glare that could chill Satan’s soul in a heartbeat. And Fat Steve could probably kick all their asses simultaneously, but he still looks like John Belushi’s Samurai from SNL. No more movies till ya drop 60 pounds, Steve. And stop dating the JV cheerleaders, will ya?

Why would anyone give two shits about Ashlee Simpson?

Typically, a young Hollywood starlet has to have something going for her. Jessica is incredibly stupid, but she’s hot and can sing. Britney isn’t quite as stupid, but she’s hot and can kinda sing a little if you’re tone deaf and barely listening. That Lohan girl looks like the end result of a little good natured inbreeding, but can act, and the same can be said of Kirsten Dunst, only with a bigger forehead.

Ashlee Simpson, on the other hand, has no redeeming value whatsoever. She’s just famous by association, kinda like Paris Hilton, only somehow less talented (if that’s even possible). Can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t act, stone stupid, and looks far more like Homer Simpson than Jessica Simpson.

I’m so confused.

Tags: steven seagal, courtney love, ashley simpson