“Literate Programming” is a term in the television industry for a show that appeals to intellectual viewers. On the major broadcast networks, literate programming is scarce and apparently viewed as a Very Bad Thing, which is why most of the smart, provocative television shows air on cable networks.

See, according to executives in major network broadcasting, this picture represents the Average American Television Viewer. Based on the shows they choose to develop, the shows they promote poorly and place in bad timeslots, and the content censored by their Standards & Practices departments, the networks apparently feel that we’re all a bunch of mouth-breathing gorillas who will watch nothing but amateur porn and Fear Factor reruns.

The thing is, they’re not completely wrong. Let’s take a look at insanely popular and stupid television shows. And get out a scratch sheet of paper and keep track of your Television IQ score…

1 vs. 100 (10.55 million viewers) - This is a bad game show hosted by Bob Saget. Subtract 1 IQ point if you have enjoyed anything that Bob Saget has ever done on network TV. Add 1 IQ point if you find it funny that so many people get stumped by the moron questions (”Was World War II a broadway musical, a designer perfume, a surgical procedure, or the second World War?”).

The Amazing Race (11.38 million viewers) - This is a reality game show where teams of two people race around the world trying to find a place to rent a BMW in Nepal. Subtract 2 IQ points if you think that two people being able to get from Point A to Point B when accompanied by a CBS camera crew is “Amazing.” Add 2 IQ points if you knew that Nepal is an actual country, and neither a part of India or an African American transvestite. (Subtract 1 IQ point if, like me, the only reason you know anything about Nepal is because it’s where Eddie Murphy met the booger guy in The Golden Child.)

Two and a Half Men (13.72 million viewers) - This is a sitcom starring Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer. Subtract 3 IQ points if you didn’t know that the “Half” in Two and a Half Men refers to a child. Add 3 IQ points if you know that the only funny thing Charlie Sheen has ever done was becoming a highly publicized whoremonger.

Survivor (15.29 million viewers) - This is a reality game show that basically reveals how many people CBS can get to shit in the woods for a shot at a grand prize. This season the “tribes” were split up by race, sparking a big controversy among anal retentive people. Subtract 4 IQ points if finding out who’s getting “kicked off the island” is an exciting weekly ritual for you. Add 4 IQ points if, when you heard that groups of four different races were going to compete to see who can survive best outdoors, you thought, “Heh, the white guys are fucked.”

Deal or No Deal (16.90 million viewers) - This is a game show where having a functioning brain cell is not a prerequisite for contestants. Subtract 5 IQ points if you can’t figure out why contestants appearing on more than one episode are still wearing the same outfit on the second show. Add 1 IQ point if you understood the previous sentence the first time you read it. Add 5 IQ points if you know that Howie Mandel was once an enormously talented comic before Hollywood turned him into an obsessive compulsive bald dude.

Dancing With the Stars (20.51 million viewers) - This show takes an odd cast of C-list celebrities and makes them play the part of dancing monkeys in a last ditch effort to remain pseudo-famous. Add 6 IQ points if you know that a female contestant will never win a show that is so blatantly aimed at straight women and gay men. Subtract 6 IQ points if you just can’t wait for your favorite male dancer to turn to the camera, put a tough and brooding look on his face, and say, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”

American Idol (32.1 million viewers) - This is a weekly, hour-long commercial for Ford and Cingular Wireless that forces talented amateur singers to sing against type (”Tune in next week to see Country Guy sing showtunes!”). Add 7 IQ points if you think a 1990 edition of American Idol would air Paula Abdul’s singing audition in one of those “You are possibly the worst singer I’ve ever heard” clip reels. Subtract 7 IQ points if you own a Clay Aiken CD. Subtract 100 IQ points if you own a William Hung CD.

IQ SCORING

29 points - You’re a little too smart and snooty for your own good. Recommended Programming: Masterpiece Theatre

20-28 points - Smart, but not too smart. You’re probably a little boring at parties, though. Recommended Programming: Law & Order

10-19 points - This, Mr. Whitebread Network Executive, is the Average American Television Viewer. Recommended Programming: Boston Legal

0-9 points - A little on the dumb side, but not completely hopeless. Recommended Programming: The Simpsons

Less Than Zero - You are everything that’s wrong with America, shithead. Recommended Programming: The Jerry Springer Show, Big Brother, Hooked on Phonics

The Top Network Shows Not Enough People Watch

30 Rock (Thursdays, NBC)
Bones (Wednesdays, FOX)
The Office (Thursdays, NBC)
Gilmore Girls (Tuesdays, The CW)
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (Mondays, NBC)

A special mention here for Studio 60, the only show on TV smart enough to spoof the lack of literate programming on network television. Not Aaron Sorkin’s best work, but still extremely intelligent and funny. Stars Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peet, and D.L. Hughley.

The Top Cable Shows Almost Nobody Watches

The Shield (FX)
Weeds (Showtime)
Rescue Me (FX)
Dexter (Showtime)
Entourage (HBO)

A special mention here for Dexter, cable’s new kid on the block. There’s something oddly compelling about a sane and altruistic serial killer. Easily among the most original and compelling characters on television.

The JagPot’s Message to Major Broadcast Networks: Yes, we watch crap. Americans and television are like guys and sex, in that we’ll take anything that’s available. We watch crap because that’s what you’re giving us to watch. Raise the intelligence bar a little and I guarantee that we’ll still tune in. We’re Americans. We have to watch TV. We have no choice. We can’t read.

Tags: 1 vs. 100, amazing race, deal or no deal, two and a half men, survivor, dancing with the stars, american idol, studio 60, dexter, television, tv reviews

In our neverending quest to bring you the most up-to-date and honest information possible on the subject of Really Stupid People, it is our distinct pleasure to announce that we have ourselves a brand new JagAss.

LONDON (AFP) - A man was rushed to hospital in Britain with severe internal injuries after trying to launch a powerful firework from his bottom, an ambulance service spokesman said.

In other words, some guy stuck a fused explosive up his own ass and set it off.

It has been very difficult to find shining examples of people who are stupid on purpose, but sometimes one comes along tailor made for JagAssdom (JagAssosity? JagAssism?). It is a little known fact that the JagAss section of The JagPot has stringent rules and criterion for selection, not unlike the vetting process for a Supreme Court nominee. For instance, here is an excerpt from those selection guidelines: The reigning JagAss must possess an extreme level of intellectual ineptitude and idiotic behavior, and evidence must be publicly available and verifiable. But if a guy jams lit fireworks up his ass, let him right in.

It is also our mission to at least attempt to explain why the JagAss does what he or she does. To that end, the article goes on to say…

It is thought that the 22-year-old could have been trying to imitate a scene from “Jackass: The Movie”, a controversial film featuring a series of edgy pranks.

A little free advice for our readers: We understand that everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame, so it makes sense that some of us would emulate the behavior of famous people. When doing so, however, it’s probably best that you choose someone who is not known as “Jackass,” especially if they are prone to placing explosives in their assholes. Or, to put it simply, avoid idolizing anyone who can be described in one sentence that includes both “Jackass” and “asshole.”

A spokesman for the North East ambulance service said: “We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding.”

This sounds a bit uncomfortable, which has us wondering, “What can we do to avoid a firework-related bleeding bottom?”

As it turns out, you only have to read the directions that accompany your fireworks purchases. Take, for example, this assorted package of fireworks, commonly sold by nearly all redneck-owned gas stations…

He is now recovering in a Sunderland hospital after sustaining internal injuries including a scorched colon.

Serves him right.

As an aside, does anyone else think that “Scorched Colon” would be an excellent name for a Mexican cookbook?

Tags: fireworks, jackass, fireworks injury

So, I had my LASIK consultation back in Part 1, where the Evil Consultation Doctors both scared the shit outta me and convinced me to sign up anyway.

Three weeks later, it was time to let a whole new doctor strap me to a table and shoot laser beams at my eyes.

“A whole new doctor?” you might ask.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” I might reply.

The official explanation is that the Actual Laser Doctor only shows up a couple times a month to perform the surgeries. He lives someplace else and flies in to several clinics across the United States to fix broken eyes. It sounds like a cool job, though why they let him onto airplanes with laser guns, I’ll never know. Regardless, the Evil Consultation Doctors find this to be a perfectly plausible explanation.

Me? I’m thinking we’ve got a guy who cruises into town from an unknown location, possibly a secret laboratory usually reserved for James Bond villains, shoots defenseless, mostly-blind people in the eyes with laser beams, then hightails it back to the airport, where he boards a private jet and returns home to plot his next evil scheme and strangle some puppies.

In order to receive your laser beams, you must bring with you large sums of money and someone to drive you home, probably because many people have to sell their cars to come up with large sums of money. I brought my brother because he’s a pretty big guy. The plan was for him to beat the crap out of anyone in scrubs or a surgical mask if he heard me yell our predetermined secret emergency phrase (”It’s a trap! Kill those fuckers!”).

So the receptionist seated us in the waiting area with several other nervous people and their designated drivers. This was oddly uncomfortable because we were all pretty much forced to watch Wedding Crashers while we waited. If you’re not familiar, Wedding Crashers is a mildly profane film featuring the sex-crazed antics of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, including protracted scenes of laxative-induced diarrhea and Vince Vaughn very narrowly escaping homosexual rape. In other words, this is not the type of film you would expect to view in a doctor’s office seated next to a prudish-looking old woman whom you’ve never met. It’s the type of film you’d expect to view at a frat house seated next to an empty keg.

“But you only had to put up with the discomfort of it for a few minutes, right?” you might ask.

“You silly, ignorant bastard,” I might reply.

No, we saw the whole thing. Pretty sure my brother saw it twice. We were in the waiting room forever. Now maybe I had this vision in my mind of the whole laser beam thing being like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones zapping people in the eyes in Men in Black — ZAP! “You’re done!” — but 90 minutes seems like a really long time to wait for something you really don’t wanna do in the first place. Too much time to reconsider, ya know? Plus, when I’m handing someone $3,000 for an elective procedure, I expect a certain measure of respect and special treatment; not to be herded into a room with a bunch of strangers to watch a couple guys trying to boink Rachel McAdams.

But just when I started to get really pissed, it was my turn.

To be continued…

Tags: lasik, prk, laser eye surgery, wedding crashers