Wha?
I think it’s pretty clear by now that there are a lot of things in this world that simply confuse me. Maybe I’m not too bright and am in need of Special Help, but there’s some language and common phrasing out there that bugs the shit outta me…
1) “Gesundheit!” When did this start? As I understand it, “gesundheit” is German for “good health.” So I sneeze and someone says, “Good health!” Doesn’t that sound mocking to you? Like when someone throws you a football and you miss it, and they say, “Nice catch, dickhead!” And if they really mean it as a good thing, doesn’t it seem kinda stupid and arbitrary? “Good health” isn’t what springs to mind when I see a mist of mucous erupt from someone’s face. “Nice snotrocket!” perhaps, but more likely, “Point that thing someplace else, would ya please?”
Maybe “Gesundheit!” will gradually fade from our vernacular, like “Eureka!” did.
2) “I could care less.” I hear this all the time. Is it just me, or is it completely bass ackwards? I mean, isn’t it used to express that you could actually not care less; that you find the topic insignificant and more than a little stupid? So if that’s the case and just about everyone is saying it completely wrong, then doesn’t that say something about our collective intelligence? It’d be different if it were something Dan Quayle said once, but I’d estimate that of all the times I’ve heard the expression, it was said the stupid way 90% of the time. I bet Canadians say it right.
3) “It’s always in the last place I look!” Personally, when I find something that I misplaced, I typically stop looking for it. Seems silly to me to keep looking in random places for something once I know where it is, y’know? My point is that even if the thing you’re looking for is in the first place you look, it’s also in the last place you look. Another catchy phrase I’m sure an American came up with, kinda like…
4) “First thing’s first.” Really? Because I remember a lot of times when the first thing was actually sixth. In those cases, the fourth thing is usually first, the third thing moves to fourth, and the second thing shows up late, making the fifth thing second. The seventh thing is always seventh because there’s only so far you can go with a bad joke.
5) “I know, right?” Make up your mind, stupid American teenage girls. You either know or you can guess and ask me if you’re right. You can’t have it both ways. And even if we let you have it both ways, I’d say it’s even money you still wouldn’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
6) “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” This is just bad advice. If there’s something going on in the kitchen that’s generating that much heat, you’d best put a stop to it or get out of the house altogether and call 911. In this case, just leaving the kitchen is a really good way to die in a fire.
7) “Shit-eating grin.” Okay, this has never made sense to me. What is a “shit-eating grin” exactly? Under what circumstances would someone grin while eating shit, and why would that grin be so unique that it would need to be labelled thusly? I mean, is it a sudden “Mmm, corn!” grin? Or is the person grinning because he finally found a way to get the fifth dentist to recommend chewing Dentyne? (”All right, already! I agree with the other four dentists IF the person in question is eating shit…”)
Let me guess what you’re thinking… “He’s gone a week and THIS is the best he could come up with?”
I could care less.
See, I gave my dog, Rocky, to my grandmother, who now lives with my parents, because she loves dogs and has a lot more free time, and I’m an irresponsible nitwit who should not be trusted to care for living things. My parents have two dogs of their own, who receive better treatment and more attention than I did growing up. In other words, my parents are “dog people.”
See, according to executives in major network broadcasting, this picture represents the Average American Television Viewer. Based on the shows they choose to develop, the shows they promote poorly and place in bad timeslots, and the content censored by their Standards & Practices departments, the networks apparently feel that we’re all a bunch of mouth-breathing gorillas who will watch nothing but amateur porn and Fear Factor reruns.
The Amazing Race (11.38 million viewers) - This is a reality game show where teams of two people race around the world trying to find a place to rent a BMW in Nepal. Subtract 2 IQ points if you think that two people being able to get from Point A to Point B when accompanied by a CBS camera crew is “Amazing.” Add 2 IQ points if you knew that Nepal is an actual country, and neither a part of India or an African American transvestite. (Subtract 1 IQ point if, like me, the only reason you know anything about Nepal is because it’s where Eddie Murphy met the booger guy in The Golden Child.)
Deal or No Deal (16.90 million viewers) - This is a game show where having a functioning brain cell is not a prerequisite for contestants. Subtract 5 IQ points if you can’t figure out why contestants appearing on more than one episode are still wearing the same outfit on the second show. Add 1 IQ point if you understood the previous sentence the first time you read it. Add 5 IQ points if you know that Howie Mandel was once an enormously talented comic before Hollywood turned him into an obsessive compulsive bald dude.
A special mention here for Studio 60, the only show on TV smart enough to spoof the lack of literate programming on network television. Not Aaron Sorkin’s best work, but still extremely intelligent and funny. Stars Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peet, and D.L. Hughley.
A special mention here for Dexter, cable’s new kid on the block. There’s something oddly compelling about a sane and altruistic serial killer. Easily among the most original and compelling characters on television.