I just spent the last two hours updating the tags on my mp3 collection and it occurred to me that I might wanna find more enjoyable ways to spend my time. Yet here I am on a Sunday, my first day off in two weeks, sitting on the couch with my laptop, halfheartedly picking away at a blog entry while watching arena football. So I need a couple new hobbies, and here’s my list of candidates…

1) Frisbee golf. I drive by a frisbee golf course every day on my way home from work. I know absolutely nothing about it, but I gotta admit that it does sound interesting. It wouldn’t be the first time some genius combined two completely unrelated activities to create something fun. The biathalon is a good example. I would never in a million years even consider cross-country skiing to be entertaining. I drove cross-country once, and I imagine that doing it on skis would take a while, especially the Nevada portion. But as I understand it, in the biathalon, you ski around for a little while and then stop to shoot something with a shotgun. I might invest in skis and goggles if it meant I could carry a shotgun and take potshots at things that annoy me, like STOP signs and Paul Walker.

So frisbee golf might be cool, even though the two activities it consists of don’t interest me. I’m great at catching frisbees, but I never could throw them very well. I’m good with the line drive throw, but it has that obnoxious tendency of hitting the other person in the mouth, which may be fun for me but usually causes the other person to quit. So I try to switch to the long throw, where you get a lot of air under it and it ends up landing 700 yards from your intended target. And don’t even get me started on golf. A mindless activity, that is.

Having said all that, I am very interested in hitting frisbees with golf clubs. Sounds like a fun game.

2) Pilates. I’m told that pilates is a workout that consists entirely of organized stretching. I thought that was yoga. Contorting myself doesn’t sound like fun, though “Go Contort Yourself” might just be the “Just Do It” of the new century. The bottom line is that if I wanted to be bent in odd and painful ways, it’d be a lot easier to just find out where The Rock lives and go call him a fag.

3) Rotisserie baseball. I despise baseball. Hate everything about it. How you can take something that boring and call it a sport is beyond me. However, I’ve heard a lot of people talk about rotisserie baseball, and I like the sound of it. Again, combining baseball with another activity, in this case sticking an animal with a spear and holding it over a large fire, seems like something I might really enjoy. I realize that roasting Barry Bonds or Derek Jeter on national television would be something of a risk, but I’m sure the Kingsford charcoal guys and the American Cannabalism Society would sponsor it, so we’d at least break even. Baseball fandom is declining every year, and setting fire to baseball players might be just what they need to turn it around.

4) Instant messaging. Even though I’m a major league technophile, the instant messaging craze completely eluded me somehow. It seems these days that everyone has an AIM account, a Blackberry, or the four free hours it takes to compose a 200-character text message on a cell phone. It’s not totally alien to me, but the handles and language have gone way too far…

5) Xtreme sports. I saw this thing on ESPN-2 a couple weeks ago. This guy put on a unitard and a motorcycle helmet, then his buddies strapped him to something that looked like a skateboard and pushed him down a paved incline of Everest proportions. He managed to cross a finish line before the thing took a hard right and flipped over 47 times. Luckily, this makeshift psycho-sled thing also doubles as a stretcher, cuz this guy looked like he’d just spent twenty minutes in a blender. He won a trophy and a sum of money that might cover his health insurance deductible. I’m not sure what qualifies someone to be an Xtreme sportsman, but I’m thinking that being really fucking stupid is somewhere near the top of that list.

6) Happiness classes. CNN aired a report this morning about Happiness classes at Ivy League universities. Seriously. Students are signing up to learn how to be happy. When they asked for instructional examples, this Harvard professor asked them to put up a graphic that listed Simplify Your Lifestyle and Extend Gratitude as things that will help make you happy. I think that one way to simplify your life would be to not spend $40,000 a year on an education that includes an 8am Smiling class. If you’re fortunate and rich enough to be able to attend Harvard University, a Happiness class is the last thing you should need. You should have happiness coming outta your ears.

And where the hell does this guy get off saying that Extending Gratitude is an exercise in personal gratification? Being grateful when someone helps you out isn’t supposed to be about you, you self-centered, Ivy League prick. It’s just how you’re supposed to act. It’s called manners. Ever heard of courtesy and respect? It’s not about making yourself feel good, jackass. It’s about the other guy. Happiness Class, my ass. They should call it Egocentric Masturbation 101.

7) Substance abuse. When they’re high, addicts appear to be happy, healthy, and extremely entertained. Medical professionals will tell you that drugs are unhealthy and financially devastating, but I figure as long as Bobby Brown and Keith Richards are rich and still alive, there are few better American role models. Now all I need is a dealer, a crack pipe, and a 3-album deal…

Tags: frisbee golf, pilates, fantasy baseball, instant messaging, extreme sports, top 10