Okay, sorry again for the 4-day interruption and thanks for the nagging e-mails. I have no excuse this time, except to say that you have no way of knowing that I wasn’t kidnapped by a wandering band of cultists, tortured with dripping water and bamboo shoots, and am only alive today because of a daring MacGyver-like escape using an expired Suncoast Video membership card, a small bit of navel lint, and large amounts of genius, determination, and bravery.

This experience reminds me of my community’s fear of snow and the importance of a meaningful segue.

Last week, the Maryland area got about a foot of snow. It was a storm we’d been warned about all week long, so you might think that we had time to prepare ourselves for something that shouldn’t be so shocking in February. I’ve been to places like Buffalo, St. Paul, and Canaduh. When their residents are told of an incoming foot of snow, they don’t even stop what they’re doing. To them, a foot of snow is still good golfing weather. So while being scared of a foot of snow may be acceptable in Baltimore, it makes you a Canadian sissy.

I have no such fear of snow because I am a Secret Canadian. Secret Canadians are Americans who say they’re Canadians because they’re embarrassed of the growing ignorance in American culture. Saying you’re Canadian is an easy way out because everyone likes Canadians…

Canadians are also responsible for interesting, life-changing inventions like the telephone, AM radio, the zipper, basketball, the electron microscope, Trivial Pursuit, and Pamela Anderson, who many believe is an actual person, but was actually created artificially using a mixture of Botox, estrogen, silicone, suntan lotion, bleach, and lots of sex. Being Canadian is an American’s Get Out of Jail Free card, is what I’m trying to say.

In Maryland, people turn into Chicken Little when the snow starts falling. Last Saturday after work, I stopped by the supermarket to pick up some light bulbs. I expected the typical Saturday afternoon shopping crowd, but what I found was a riot. Now, most rioters run around breaking stuff and yelling, but the ones at the supermarket were stampeding the cashiers in an effort to exchange money for obscene amounts of milk, bottled water, and windshield washer fluid. Canned goods and candles were also being heaped into carts by the ton.

I didn’t know that any of those things melted snow…

Tags: canada, canadians, snow, fear of snow