I just saw yet another jewelry commercial implying that showing a woman you like her requires several diamonds and a public proclamation of some kind. This is certainly more classy than dropping some Rohypnol into a margarita, but it leaves the impression that women are materialistic and shallow. Regardless, it’s just further evidence that our media still buys into the female stereotype.

I think we all respect that on some level; that at least to a small degree women are the fairer sex and deserving of some pampering on special occasions. But what about the guys? Where’s the love? Let’s flip the script for a minute and show the guys a little appreciation. Call it the Guy Manifesto…

Toilet seats – When you’re done using the john, put the lids back up, will ya? We’re guys. By nature we are thoughtless and self centered. With the seat down, it’s even money that we’ll pee on it just to spite you, so please take our feelings and convenience into consideration.

Doors and chairs – You like being treated like a queen? Who do you think queens hang out with? Doormen? No, queens hang with kings. Queens only get preferential treatment when their hubbies are dead. So when we’re together, we are the kings. If anyone’s going to be holding doors open and pulling out chairs, it’s you. You ain’t the only royalty in this relationship, honey.

Dancing – We can’t dance. You know we can’t dance. And dancing is never our idea, so even if we’re passably good at it, it’s for your benefit. So you lead, okay? It’s your show, and you’re the one that knows what you’re doing, so step up and lead the way. If men were any good at leading, this country wouldn’t be such a fucking mess. Take a hint.

Proposals – Yeah, this means marriage, but also includes asking someone out; two things that are most often left to men. First of all, when it comes to asking a woman out, most guys don’t feel worthy and are afraid of getting shot down. The guys that do feel worthy are mostly dicks. So if you’re interested in a good guy, suck it up and ask him out. We like women who are forward and aggressive, unless they’re wielding a knife.

Proposals of marriage should always come from the woman, because women regard marriage as achieving a life goal, whereas most men liken marriage to surrendering to the enemy after a long and bloody struggle of some kind. A marriage proposal should be heartfelt and romantic, so it’s better coming from someone who really wants it more than anything, as opposed to someone who has to compose and perform an eloquent, awe-inspiring lie.

And come with the bling. We’ll give you one, but we want something flashy to show off, too. It doesn’t have to be a ring. We’ll take a Rolex (cuz Lord knows they cost the same) or a big, honkin’ rapper necklace with our names spelled out in diamonds. If you do decide to get a ring, get us a Super Bowl ring.

Pay our way – Pick up the tab, ladies. You figured us out a long time ago, so you know that we equate the cost of the date with the expectation of sexual favors. So turn that on its ear. If you pay for stuff, then you get to expect stuff in return. You may not want sex, but know that we’ll still think our efforts mean a better shot at sex for us, so feel free to expect things like paving your driveway, massaging your feet, and, well, pretty much anything else. The list of things men will do for sex is endless, so money is power. Consider it well spent.

Cramps – Here’s a little man secret for the ladies: We are deathly afraid of you when you’re PMSing. Given the choice and some advance notice, we will gladly give you all the space you need. We are willing, for example, to keep a second residence several hundred miles away specifically for that purpose. So we want some cramp-time, too. That’s right, there are times when a man just wants some space to consider his place in the world; to be left alone with his thoughts, an adequate supply of beer, some pork rinds, and a large stack of Playboys. For the articles, of course.

Surnames – If we’re gonna get married, we want the option to take your name. Let’s face it, between the two of us, the guy is the one most likely to need a name change, if only to outrun the police, creditors, and ex-girlfriends. Besides, if your last name is Johnson and mine is Fleeblehoffer, our kids are better off carrying your family name into the next generation. (Insert Johnson/penis joke here. I tried to get there, but they were all too dirty, so you’re on your own.)

Flowers and thoughtful gifts – We suck at this. We admit it. It’s another thing that’s better suited to a woman. We know the broad strokes; that red roses are played out, and that flowers should be delivered to your office so you can bask in the glow of jealousy and attention. But we stumble on the execution, don’t we? We don’t do enough with the card. You want romantic musings and poetry, and all we’ve got for a woman in that department starts with, “There once was a girl from St. Kitts.”

So we quit. Flowers and gifts are on you now. I’ll save you the trouble, though. Don’t bother. We don’t like flowers, the only thoughtful gift that’d mean something to us coming from you is oral sex, and we definitely don’t want that brought to our office by a delivery guy unless he’s really got game and can keep a secret. You can send us playoff tickets or take us to Hooters instead.

Guys Night – The concept of Ladies Night is the one we envy most. Most of us would give our right eye to go to a local bar or club and drink for free. As a woman, all you gotta do is a little research and you can have that just about every night. And it’s one of the reasons we secretly hate you. Sure, Guys Night would lead to riots and property damage and a surprising body count, but men believe in Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” and would gladly take one for the team if it got us free drafts in the meantime.

Discussion Question: Ladies, I really wanna hear your thoughts on this. You’re with a guy a long time, you get engaged, he shells out a big chunk of money on a ring, then the relationship ends. Do you give the ring back?

I promise I won’t use your answers to draw any conclusions about the female gender as a whole. Just this one dirty, rotten, thieving bitch in particular.

Not that I’m biased one way or the other on the give-back-the-goddamn-ring thing…

Tags: womens lib, male stereotype, dancing, toilet seat, top 10