I’m standing in line at the bank today behind a group of three teenagers. Over the course of a 5-minute wait, I heard these girls say the words “retarded” and “gay” about three hundred times.

I’m pretty up front about my hatred for ignorant people, but it saddens me a bit to see that 80% of our nation’s children fall directly into that category.

I love words, to the extent that I’m of the George Carlin mindset that doesn’t believe that there are any “bad” words. Words only have the power that we give them, so I don’t get all bent when I hear “fuck” or “nigger” or “fag” the way that lots of other people do.

But can we please come to some kind of agreement that our kids shouldn’t be profane little bastards? Pretty please?

To this end, I would like to propose a national Beat-Your-Kids Day. One day a year where you can drag your kids into the backyard and kick the shit out of them without fear that Child Welfare will show up and have you locked up with Sodomy Sam.

Most kids need a smack. How do I know? Cuz I needed one, that’s how. I was a Bad Kid. I gave my parents more shit growing up than any two people should have to endure. I love my parents. I respect my parents. But I do not fear my parents. I knew that the worst thing coming was a lot of yelling and some kind of months-long restriction. The yelling brought on some guilt and remorse, but there’s no real punishment in locking a kid in his room for 6 months with a color TV, stereo, and a metric ton of comic books. Fear woulda worked.

Actually, it did once. I vividly recall my mother coming home to find a bunch of her favorite records lying on the floor without their protective sleeves. I also vividly recall being the cause of that particular situation. I also vividly recall my mother picking me up by my face and threatening to kill me. I also vividly recall never doing that stupid shit again.

Scared the hell out of me and probably scarred me for life, which is a good thing. I actually learned a lesson, and I can tell you without hesitation that the only thing I’ve learned since is how to drink beer with a garden hose and a funnel. Why? No beatings.

So beat your kids, folks. Even if they haven’t done anything wrong today, go give ‘em a random smack just so they know it could happen at any time. Also tell them that somewhere in the house is a gun and a shovel, and that you’re not scared to kill them because you never really liked them anyway. Throw in a “broken condom” remark to help sell it.

And if you don’t have it in you to hit your kids, at least make them believe you might…

Bad Parenting: “If you don’t stop that right now, I’m giving you a Time Out!”

Good Parenting: “Knock it off or I will twist and break things inside of you that you don’t even know exist. I will cause you a level of pain that will make you scream until your vocal cords snap. And it will be pain that you feel for the rest of your life because I WILL NOT LET YOU DIE!”

Or something like that…

Tags: parenting, retarded, beat your kids