I just finished watching March of the Penguins. Man, those’re some fascinating birds. The documentary, narrated by Morgan Freeman, follows the amazing mating and reproductive rituals of the emperor penguin. It’s not bird porn or anything like that, though I guess it wouldn’t surprise you on The JagPot, being that I pretty much covered doggie porn a few weeks ago, and grizzly dining last week.

No, March of the Penguins tells the astonishing story of what these penguins gotta do to get some penguin luvin’ and make babies. Let me break this down to you…

First off, this all takes place in Antarctica, which is very far away to the north, or possibly the south. With the exception of Donald Trump’s heart, Antarctica is the coldest place on Earth. When man first ventured to Antarctica, his testicles immediately receded a great distance. Anthropologists believe that this is where the Adam’s Apple came from. Anyway, in March of every year, a bajillion emperor penguins hop out of the water and head inland to their mating ground. This is a trek of over 60 miles, which is pretty damn far when you consider that penguins waddle at a speed slower than continental drift.

When they arrive, they begin their mating ritual, which involves two weeks of moving around slowly and honking at each other, much like DC traffic. Two-by-two, the emperor penguins pair off and start bumping uglies. Most of the females get knocked up, providing conclusive proof that penguins do not practice safe sex. The females begin to lay eggs, one each, around June.

This is the part that gets me: Almost immediately after laying her egg, the female takes off, leaving their unhatched child in the care of the male. The movie says they have to leave to feed or they’ll starve to death, but it sure looked like an organized betrayal of the male species to me. At this point, none of the penguins have eaten in over two months, and the women will be gone for another two months to feed, accessorize, and talk shit about their male companions.

So the guys are left behind to brave a hellacious Antarctic winter, assuring their own survival and the ongoing protective warmth of their egg. Each male balances their egg on his feet, then lowers his body over the top of the egg as a blanket. Thousands of these guys huddle together for warmth for months as Mother Nature conspires to beat the shit out of them with winter storms. 80 below zero, winds that reach over 100mph, countless blizzards, and a state of perpetual night as the sun chooses this time to take a couple months off. It’s like being outside naked in the middle of a Chicago winter (which is a story for another day).

And they’re starving to death. Did I mention that? When the women finally drag their sorry asses back home, no doubt hung over with their makeup all smeared and stuff, certain males haven’t eaten a bite in nearly four months. This is how I know humans would never make it as penguins. Leave us guys starving and freezing to sit on an egg for two months, and all of us will be having scrambled eggs for breakfast on Day Three.

The eggs have tyipcally begun to hatch by the time the females get home, so the kids never really know that their mommies abandoned them to frolic in the sea with fish and dancing seahorses and mermaids and all that other scientific sea stuff. So Mom settles in and takes the chick from Dad, at which point Dad announces that he’s going out to grab a pack of cigarettes and will be right back. Mom could really give a shit, as she now begins to feed her offspring by barfing in its mouth.

The male is really going to pig out, probably because he hasn’t eaten in FOUR GODDAMN MONTHS! He’ll return to his family after three or four weeks, which makes you wonder why it took the female eight weeks to perform the same task. Methinks Mom has a boyfriend on the side with an oceanfront condo.

All kidding aside, March of the Penguins is a wonderful film, even though it was made by a bunch of French guys. The story of the emperor penguin is a moving tale of the commitment and devotion required to ensure the survival of a species on the most brutal land the Earth has to offer. Humans could really learn a thing or two from emperor penguins, not the least of which would be how to walk in wintery conditions without sliding around like an idiot and falling on your ass.

Tags: march of the penguins, penguins, satire