First off, I just wanted to thank you guys for all the mail. Please feel free to use the Comment feature, too, if what you’re writing is okay for the public eye. Continue to send tech/blogging questions, death threats, and naked pictures via e-mail and I’ll respond when I can.

Now, on to our mail call. Today’s letter comes to us from Brad Scolito, in response to my recent “Grizzly Man” review. My review was apparently linked on the Official Nutjob Forums, because it’s getting tons of hits and is generating a good bit of mail. I don’t mean to imply that you’re a nutjob, Brad, except that I do and you are. I’m going to respond to your message blow-by-blow…

I had to respond to your review of Grizzly Man.

Well, you didn’t have to. You could have spent this time doing something more productive, like cutting your nosehairs or getting some prescriptions refilled.

I think its sad that so many people find this movie funny.

I don’t think the movie was funny. I do think the movie had a lot of comedic potential, however. And let’s dispel a myth real quick: A story can be both moving and funny. “Grizzly Man” tells an emotionally gripping tale, while at the same time, whether you like it or not, shows us the woefully disturbing life of a flamboyantly-gay-but-in-denial wildlife activist and self-proclaimed grizzly expert, who somehow manages to get himself and his “girlfriend” eaten by a grizzly bear.

In and of itself, it’s a sad story. It’s not funny, but it’s full of comic potential. Humor is all about exagerration and perspective. Say what you will about “Grizzly Man,” but at some point you gotta admit that one of the many messages the film communicates is, “Hey, Jackass! If you keep poking that bear it’ll probably kill you!” Another would be, “When planning a camping trip, please keep in mind that the only place more dangerous to camp than Grizzly Country when the salmon aren’t running is Grizzly Country when the salmon aren’t running and you’ve spent the last 13 years irritating the shit out of all the local grizzlies.”

If you really want to be pissed at me for a good reason, I’ll give you one: He asked for it. Timothy Treadwell spent 13 years practically begging to get his ass kicked by a bear. And I’m supposed to feel sorry for him? Nuh uh, not me. In fact, if he’d survived the attack and his girlfriend didn’t, I’d be the first guy to support locking his crazy ass up. He had no business being there himself, let alone taking someone with him whom he had no means of protecting. It’s sad that he’s dead, but the guy was a dick.

You didn’t talk at all about the positive things Tim did. He helped those bears for a long time, got footage no one else has and did alot for wild-life causes.

Brad, Brad, Brad. Tim Treadwell was nutso. He didn’t do anything good for bears. Every summer, he’d go off in the woods under the guise of Grizzly Protector, going so far as to pack a series of dark-colored bandanas and warpaint. According to a wildlife study I just conducted using Google and creative license, there are only three ways to protect wild grizzly bears.

1. Provide them with a very large supply of food (I’ll leave that joke untold).
2. Save them from hunters and poachers. This would involve either scaring the hunters away, diving in front of bullets, or buying extremely large Kevlar vests and teaching the bears how to put them on.
3. Educate them about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and loose women.

Tim Treadwell didn’t do any of those things. He just kinda hung around bears. This isn’t to say that he didn’t try to do good things for bears, nor does it mean he didn’t believe he was a benefit to their collective existence. My point is that he probably did more harm than good. In spending so much time getting that close to grizzlies, if anything, all he may have accomplised was teaching a few bears that humans are harmless and nice. Being that Katmai is literally surrounded by some of the best bear hunting areas in Alaska, you can see how teaching them that would be harmful.

Okay, I can see how it’s harmful. All you can see is that I’m picking on the dead bear guy.

He only wanted to show every body that the grizzly isn’t what we think it is so maybe more hunters would lay off of killing them

That’s a noble cause, indeed, but let me illustrate something that I think you’re overlooking.

This is a grizzly bear. It weighs over 900 pounds, stands nearly nine feet high, and can run at speeds approaching 30mph. It can eat one third of its body weight (300 pounds) in natural fruit per day, or fifteen percent of its body weight (135 pounds) in meat. With claws as long as 6 inches each, a grizzly can kill an elk or moose in one swing. Those’re all facts, but I also seem to recall that certain bears who were smarter than average could steal picnic baskets and wear hats.

Are they out to kill people? No. They aren’t exactly docile, but they typically won’t attack a human unless provoked or starving. But I guess when you can eat 300 pounds of food a day, “starving” is pretty easy to come by.

Anyway, grizzlies are gigantic, ferocious animals that eat meat and are constantly hungry. That’s what you and I see when we look at these bears.

The picture to the right is what Timothy Treadwell apparently saw when he looked at a grizzly. They’re cute and friendly and look so capable of hugs and love and oodles of warm fuzziness. And they’re his friends! He gave them cute little names and talked to them with a cute little voice. And this is why Treadwell ended up as a cute little snack.

He loved bears, and in his fantasy world he loved protecting bears. What Tim Treadwell didn’t do was respect bears, and love just doesn’t work without respect (as I’ve been told many times by angry women). He didn’t respect their true nature, he didn’t respect their land, and he definitely didn’t respect their personal space.

You should be ashamed of yourself for making fun of him on your childish website. Your nothing but a child.

I know you are but what am I?

Tags: grizzly man, timothy treadwell, movie review, werner herzog, grizzly bear, animal attack