First post of the year! First Pick 7 of the year!

Not very exciting, is it?

My ancestry is a pretty even mix of Irish and German. I am therefore genetically predisposed to drinking a lot and blowing stuff up. I spent New Year’s Eve at a party thrown by my boss at his home. He and his wife throw this party every year, despite being quite possibly the whitest couple on the east coast. There was a lot of Billy Joel being played at this party, is what I’m trying to say.

Be that as it may, they did manage to procure a large supply of beer. Upon arrival, I proceeded to drink an amount of alcohol that only a fictional character can drink without dying.

I woke up this morning on my boss’s couch with a headache and no socks. My boots were on, mind you. So at some point in the evening, for reasons unknown, I removed my boots and socks, then put my boots on again. Either that or someone stole my socks while I was sleeping and put my boots back on so I wouldn’t notice. Either way, waking up with missing undergarments is probably a reliable sign of irresponsible drinking.

That’s why I’ve decided to turn this into a learning experience. Here are the top seven things I’ve learned while drinking irresponsibly…

1) Never hand a credit card to a bartender and say, “Run me a tab.” You need to remember that this is the man in charge of filling you with a substance that could kill you, and that he’s working for a percentage tip. It’s therefore in his best interest to get you completely ripped so that you’re more apt to say things like, “A round for the house, on me!” and “Sorry I hurled on the pool table. Bill me.” By the way, if anyone out there wants to buy a colorful pool table, let me know.

2) Sober or drunk, there is never a good time to sing in front of a bunch of people unless you have a Grammy. I would never, ever sing in public, especially not solo. Under the influence, however, I once found myself singing the homosexual male portion of “Love Shack” in front of a woman I wanted to eventually see naked. I think it’s safe to assume my performance was the primary reason that never happened.

3) One of the hardest things to resist while drunk is the urge to have conversations at the urinal. This is another thing I’m 100% against while sober. There are few things in life I hate more than standing next to a chatty guy at the urinal. I think it’s a built-in, homophobic aversion to talking to another man while handling my equipment, so to speak. When I’m hammered, I think every silence is an awkward silence, so I’ll talk and laugh at the urinal, even when there’s no one around. I might just be insane.

4) Always consult a sober friend before approaching a woman. This is very important. Your sober friend, usually the designated driver or the guy in your group that’s still hung over from the night before, is there to make sure the woman you have your eye on is not:

a) Married.

b) Actually a man.

c) An ex-girlfriend that wants you dead.

d) Roseanne Barr.

5) If you’re arguing with a guy just because he’s wearing a stupid hat and is trying to ruin your good time, it’s probably a cop. This is also why it’s important that your designated driver should have access to an adequate supply of bail money and a copy of your health insurance card.

6) Drunken epiphanies are really, really bad ideas. These include:

“Let’s fly to Vegas!”

“I’m gonna call my boss and tell that bastard…”

“Dude, seriously. She’s at least 18.”

“I need to call (insert ex-girlfriend here) and tell her how much I love her.”

“Last call? Bah! Let’s take this party back to my place!”

“It’s late and I gotta work tomorrow. I might as well stay up all night!”

“Let’s make a bonfire!”

7) If you wake up in an alley in Atlantic City with a visible rash and someone else’s underwear on your head, you should really think about joining AA.

Tags: new year’s eve, drinking, top 10, drunk, homer simpson