Today’s letter comes to us from markp338. Mark wrote in on the 18th to help save me from my blasphemous ways so that I may one day embrace Spiritual Enlightenment. His concern for me comes from an entry I wrote that contained a few jokes about the new pope.

For the record, I’ve got nothing against the new pope. But it’s possible that I may have insinuated that his name sucks, he’s way too old for the job, he looks like Boris from Rocky & Bullwinkle, and might be up to something evil. I meant it with all due respect, of course. Anyway, let’s move on to Mark’s letter…

Yes new Popes do choose their own names, it’s not random and not based on the Beatles. Some take the names of those predecessors who raised them to the cardinalate, and some choose the name of the pope who launched them on their curial career. The ridiculous reasons you cite demean the papacy and those who hold it dear. Your ignorance of the Catholic faith…

Mark, I’m going to interrupt your message to point out a couple of minor things, such as idiocy and hypocrisy, that often find their way into discussions on Catholicism. First of all, you make it sound like popes only choose names for these nice and pure reasons. That would be great if it were true (kinda like the Bible). See some popes, like Alexander VII, chose their names to honor the pope that actively supported their family. Here in America, we spell that n-e-p-o-t-i-s-m. Personal affectation doesn’t impress me, nor does it strike me as holy.

Then you’ve got guys like Pius V and others who adopted the names of predecessors whose nephews had contributed to their election. Graft, in other words.

Having said that, I’m not anti-Catholic or anti-religion. I’m not out to demean the pope or people that think he’s great. I’m just saying that a better pope name for him would be Pope Joey Ratz. “Follow me or I’ll break your thumb!” would be a good bumper sticker to put on his Popemobile.

Also, there are many obvious reasons to choose a Pope of advanced age…

Actually, there are zero obvious reasons to pick an old pope. “Old” is an adjective that means “been around a long time and will probably die soon.” The only obvious reason to pick an old guy would be if you wanted to keep his papacy pretty short. If that’s the case, allow me to suggest term limits, as opposed to making an old guy wear silly hats for the last few years of his life.

That old people are wise and honest and nice is a myth. Age and wisdom are not directly connected. I work at a government building with a security officer who is 74 years old. His wisdom and experience is not evident in his demeanor, but he does seem to know his stuff. The people that work for him really seem to like him, and I’m told he had a distinguished career in law enforcement. That said, he also hates Chinese people and smells like urine, which to me are factors that would negate the wisdom of age and experience.

Pope John Paul II was hit by a car twice as a child. Getting hit once is unfortunate, but when it happens a second time, you gotta start to wonder if he might just be stupid. Near the end of his papacy, he had a shuffle to his walk and a trembling left hand that suggested Parkinson’s disease. He had also been treated for cancer, a gunshot wound, a broken shoulder, the removal of his appendix, and a busted leg that led to hip replacement surgery.

Pope JP2 was RoboPope, in other words.

This is a guy that needed a vacation and a visit with Dr. House, but instead was paraded around as the pontif, bestowing religious decrees and getting worked up over Madonna videos.

The bottom line is that the pope doesn’t have to be an old guy. JP2 was a great pope, and he started when he was 58. Pick a nice guy that isn’t too old; someone with a powerful and influential voice that people will respond to. Morgan Freeman would be a kickass pope.

…the picture you put up with Pope Benedict and that cartoon character was insulting to say the least.

Oh, come on, Mark. The new pope looks like he could show up one day with a hot Russian goth chick on his arm and declare to the Roman masses, “We must get moose and squirrel! Ha Ha Ha!” The resemblance may not be overwhelming, but it has more to do with it being hard to look exactly like a cartoon character than it does with Pope Benedict not looking like he’s about to hatch an evil plan on occasion.

Anyway, I’m sorry you took offense, Mark. I’ve got nothing but love for the pope, and a tremendous amount of admiration for his fashion sense. I’d wear nothing but robes and gigantic hats if I thought I could pull it off…

Tags: pope, pope john paul, pope benedict, catholicism