Today’s Pick 7 is all about driving. I love to drive. Alone in my truck, cell phone switched off, mp3 player going… It’s the only place I can get away from everyone and just be. Because I enjoy the tranquility of it, however, there’s a laundry list of things that drive me absolutely nuts behind the wheel.

So think of this as Seven Universal Tips to Better Driving…

1) Drive like you have somewhere to be. You’re in your car because you’re going someplace, so please behave accordingly. I don’t understand people who appear to be driving aimlessly or at a constant crawl, apparently looking for an address. If you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, pull over and figure it out. And for your own safety, if you are not from the DC area, do not come here and drive this way. DC drivers will follow you home just to stab you, even if “home” is Oregon.

2) Are you a Rap or Hip Hop fan? Great! Turn the volume and bass down, asshole. I HATE HATE HATE this. Who are you trying to impress? I like a good amount of volume myself, so it amazes me when my stereo is completely drowned out by the sound of, “KICKED HER IN THE MOUTH, PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE, SMACKED THAT BITCH ALL OVA THE PLACE!” And that it’s coming from a car a couple hundred feet away from me with the bass cranked up so high I can feel it vibrating my fillings? Icing on the cake.

3) Take some time to learn the meaning of the word “merge.” Look, the whole point of merging is to blend in with traffic. If you’re getting on a major highway where everyone’s going 70, you can’t merge going 25. That’s not merging. That’s obstructing, and it’s stupid, and it makes me wish I could kill you with my mind. Even better is when you stop to wait for a big gap with a quarter mile of merge lane ahead of you. Step on the gas, pick your spot, and GO! If merging scares you, tear up your driver’s license and get a bus pass.

4) Slow down. Seriously. I drive pretty fast. 10-15mph over the speed limit is about the DC norm, so I tend to drive around 70mph most of the time (which makes drive-thrus much more fun). So if I’m on the highway and you pass me like I’m standing still, you are seriously going too fast. There’s a point where you stop being a guy in a hurry and start being a guy who’ll eventually become a long, red stain on the highway. Again, who are you trying to impress? You’re not Chuck Yeager. Driving is not about seeing how much speed your car can withstand. You’re being an asshole. Knock it off. Oh, and if you drive one of those gay crotch-rocket motorcycles, you were an asshole to begin with.

5) Riding a bicycle? Do it someplace else. Give me one good reason why bicycles should be allowed on motorways and I’ll shut up about it forever. Cyclists should really stick to bike paths and sidewalks, where it’s safe and acceptable to play with toys. They don’t let unicycles and Big Wheels on public roads, do they? What’s the difference?

6) If you cannot park or maneuver in reverse, please stay home. Why is parking such a colossal chore for so many folks? Do they honestly not know how big their car is? They move around at 2-inches-per-hour, making steering corrections so carefully that it looks like they’re trying to dock with a space station. Ray Charles, who is both blind and dead, could parallel park a 747 in Manhattan during rush hour faster than these fools can maneuver their compacts into a supermarket parking space large enough to house a little league soccer field.

7) Pay attention. Inattentive drivers come in two flavors. The first is Suicidal Lane Switcher. This is the guy that decides he’s coming into your lane even though doing so would force you into a jersey wall at 75mph. He usually notices on his own at the last second or when you lean on your horn while giving him the universal hand gesture for “Pardon me, Sir.” And the second inattentive driver is Prick Who Doesn’t See the Light Change. You’re usually behind him in the left turn lane while he…while he’s doing what, exactly? Reading a book? Picking his nose? Or my all-time favorite: Talking on his goddamn cell phone. Then he wakes up as the green arrow goes yellow and putters though the intersection, leaving you behind for another cycle of the light. I’ve been so pissed at those moments, ranting to myself about the outrageous stupidity one must possess to be so distracted and thoughtless, that I don’t see the next light change…

Drive safely, America.

Tags: driving, bad drivers, top 10