A portion of you visiting today got here via the link I sent you in a cop-out mass e-mail reply I did last night. The rest of you have no idea what I’m talking about, which is probably not a new reaction to one of my entries. On any other day you’d be on your own figuring this shit out, but today I’ll explain myself…

The JagPot gets lots of e-mail. I try to stay on top of it, but it gets away from me sometimes. I’ll skip a couple days of replies, come back to 15 new messages and think, “I’ll catch up with it this weekend.” Then the weekend comes and I choose to spend my free time reading books and painting my toenails instead (the transvestite thing is just a phase). (I hope.) So then the messages have doubled because they apparently reproduce like rabbits. This is the pattern, it’s all my fault, and I apologize to those that took the time to write in.

So I sent out a mass e-mail reply last night to 48 people, all of whom I’m sure deserved a personalized response full of gratitude and other warm fuzziness.

To make amends, I’m going to reply to my most spat-upon readers of all: The Ones That Get Filtered Into My SPAM Folder. I realize now that it’s unfair for me to single these people out as unworthy of attention, so here be some replies…

Sender: Kristina
Subject: One-Stop Pharmaceuticals!

Thanks for writing in, Kristina. Your concern for my apparent sexual dysfunction is appreciated. The next time I find myself in need of a three-hour erection, I will visit your website immediately! Buying off-brand pills on the Internet to mess with my most prized appendage sounds like an outstanding idea! And to think I’ve been crossing into Mexico illegally to buy “little blue pills” from Hector, a man that runs a pharmacy from the trunk of an ‘83 Olds Cutlass. What was I thinking?

Sender: Anastasia Byrd
Subject: Now is the TIME!

Wow. Intrepid Readers, I must make you aware of this fantastic offer Anastasia has kindly extended to me. She is selling, and I quote, “100% Genuine Copies of Replica Watches” at gigantic discounts right now. Don’t be fooled by her competitors, you silly geese. These are NOT Replica Watches. Who wants a cheap-ass, knockoff Replica Watch when you can have a GENUINE COPY of a Replica Watch? And they’re on sale! It’s madness, I tell you! Act now, while supplies last! I bought three! (One for each arm and another for the “amazingly large three-hour erection” Kristina promised me).

Sender: Will Otto
Subject: Weightloss

Will, I am very concerned about your program. The first message I received from you boasted that Stacy Calhoun lost 10 pounds in 5 weeks. “Good for Stacy,” I thought. The seventh message from you says that Susanna Ortiz lost 19 pounds in 1 week. “Holy Shit!” I thought. “The only way Susanna lost 19 pounds in one week is if Will cut her arm off!” Give Susie her arm back, Will.

Sender: Constance Murdock
Subject: Hot Pick!

I don’t have much of a portfolio myself, so I thought I’d pass along this “Super Secret Stock Tip” to you, my fiscally responsible readers. Constance says that IPKL is extremely undervalued and gives it an SBR because it will have a STPP of 300+%. I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure it’s on the level if Constance took the time out to send it to me and 913 other lucky recipients. You should call your broker immediately. And call your mom, too. She misses you.

Sender: Mauro Raymond
Subject: VOYEUR VIDEOS

Mauro, I was fascinated by your message and have several questions. “Thesechicks show all in places you won’t believe…grocery stores, outdoor festivals, public beaches, you name it.” Have these girls gone wild? I’ve seen many late-night commercials about girls going wild and almost called in a donation on a few occasions, but it wasn’t made clear in the ad what their particular affliction was. What is the name of the medical condition that causes these young ladies to lift their shirts and kiss each other in public? Is it contagious? Should we be concerned that Barbara Walters will get it? Wouldn’t that suck? Is there a cure? If so, does Kristina sell it? Please write back soon.

Sender: Melissa
Subject: Hot DVDs for $6.95

I visited your site just a few minutes ago, all set to spend hundreds of dollars on great DVDs. I searched for classic films that I’ve been wanting to purchase for quite a while, like The Verdict, Dog Day Afternoon, and Billy Madison, but was unable to find them in your inventory. I saw Best Seller listings for films such as Filled to the Rim, Planting Seed, Young Ripe Mellons #2, and Lord of the Squirt, but must admit that I’ve never heard of them or seen them reviewed on ebert.com. Can you tell me more about these films? Also, why is “Discreet Packaging” listed as a shipping option? Are there certain packages that lack discretion? I mean, if I don’t pay extra for Discreet Packaging, will my package gossip and talk shit about me behind my back? Cuz I hate that.

That’s all I have time for now, mostly because I’m supposed to be working. Keep the e-mails coming, and I promise to respond this time.

Really.

I swear.

Tags: spam, e-mail spam, e-mail