A few days ago, I posted about a friend of mine, Amanda, who is about 6 months pregnant. Folks, this woman is eating like she’s got a hole in her neck. Amanda insists that she’s eating for two, and that it’s normal for her appetite to grow along with the baby. Let’s analyze this, shall we?

For the sake of argument, let’s say that Amanda is indeed eating for two. The child inside of her is not yet fully developed, so at best it has a stomach the size of a golf ball. Therefore, Amanda could help her child satisfy its daily nutritional needs by eating one chicken leg. Let’s take a look at Amanda’s typical daily food intake:

12:13am – Midnight snack. Amanda eats one regular-size brick of Velveeta cheese. Plain.

1:37am – Still hungry, Amanda cooks what’s left in freezer: one pound of ground beef. Out of Velveeta, Amanda tops her burgers with Hershey’s syrup. Her husband obviously hasn’t been to the supermarket. That bastard.

4:30am – Baby is using Amanda’s bladder as a punching bag. Amanda rises for the day, having a hubcap-sized bowl of Captain Crunch for breakfast. After “The Flintstones,” Amanda dozes off on couch, wondering where she can get a Brontosaurus Burger.

8:45am - Amanda wakes up. Time for breakfast! Gets husband to take her to all-you-can-eat breakfast bar.

10:36am - Amanda is physically thrown out of restaurant for picking fight with chef, who she claims, “wasn’t moving fast enough, dammit!” Husband punched in nose during the exchange. Amanda drives him to hospital.

10:42am – On way to hospital, Amanda stops at McDonald’s for a milkshake.

12:27pm – Amanda makes mental note that hospital food isn’t so bad if you use a half bottle of ketchup.

1:45pm – Feeling guilty about her appetite, Amanda has a bag of unbuttered popcorn and a Diet Coke. Falls asleep on couch.

4:40pm – Amanda wakes, angry that she’s missed lunch. Invents “dinch”, a lunch/dinner combo. Pleased with her accomplishment, Amanda orders a large pizza, extra anchovies.

5:09pm – Pizza arrives. Amanda tips driver $20.

5:27pm – Trained forensic experts can find no trace of the pizza, but suspect Amanda as the lone culprit in its disappearance. Anchovy in hair was dead giveaway.

6:38pm – Lamaze class. Amanda offers woman next to her $10 for Snickers bar she somehow sensed in the woman’s purse.

6:42pm – Amanda loses $15, a hairbrush, and her husband’s stopwatch in the deal, but obtains Snickers.

7:51pm – Amanda sends husband to supermarket after eating four beef bouillon cubes and a box of dry noodles.

9:02pm – Husband returns from supermarket. Amanda berates him for having spent $300. Amanda snacks while putting groceries away. Grand total of groceries left when she finishes: $146.33.

10:26pm – Amanda eats entire bag of potato chips, randomly dipping them in anything handy: ice cream, mild salsa, shoe polish, etc. Amanda goes to bed.

11:57pm – Midnight snack. Amanda eats the remainder of the salsa and ice cream. Her husband obviously didn’t get enough snack foods at supermarket. That bastard.

So, basically, if we sent Amanda’s weekly intake to some starving nation like Ethiopia, their food shortage problems would be solved for years to come. Her husband, we’ll call him Flash (Everyone does. He got the nickname in high school in a situation that involved him completely naked, a trenchcoat, our elderly female History teacher, and, eventually, the police), says that trying to stop her from eating is, “like trying to stop a freight train by standing on the tracks, only somehow more painful.”

Jag’s Conclusion: If Amanda is actually eating for two, then she’s going to give birth to a Sumo wrestler…

Tags: eating for two, pregnancy