I want to get back to more stuff from my Florida trip, but I was going through The JagPot’s mail this morning and came across a message asking for advice. As you’ve no doubt noticed from your several visits here, I am just full of wisdom, rational thought, and logic. So it makes sense that a reader would come to me for a dose of sage advice.

This letter comes to us from Jetson, a reader that’s been with us for quite some time now. You may remember Jetson’s first e-mail about a jailbait website, and also my reference to another e-mail describing a dream Jetson had about me that involved an Indian tribal clinic, Fred Mertz, and a strange woman named Rosalie.

It’s also worth noting that I have mistakenly referred to Jetson as a man. I assumed that Jetson was a man based on her first e-mail for two reasons. First, because George Jetson is a man, and I guess I subconsciously liked the idea of him sending me e-mail. And second, because I find it odd that a woman would send me a link to a jailbait porn site. That said, if I could find a woman around here that would send me porn and describe dreams about me with another woman (with or without Fred Mertz), I would probably marry her.

Anyway, let’s take a look at her new message…

Jags,

Are you in hiding?…hmm?

What are your thoughts on people renewing their wedding vows?

My husband took me to dinner the other night and had the waiter present me with flowers.

Then he asked me if I’d re-marry him. I’ve always considered vow renewal, or having a second ‘wedding’ to renew vows as supremely tacky. So having said this, my husband mistook my shock for excitement. I consequently ordered three whisky sours and tried to think of ways I could get out of it.

I wanted to say…”I shouldn’ta married you the first time! why would I do it again?”
But I didn’t. I excepted his proposal. It was sweet of him to do…(I guess)…but Good Lord!

Jetson

Dear Jetson,

I have mixed feelings about your situation. A man typically needs to be prodded into doing something romantic. A man’s every action is utilitarian, serving a very specific purpose. So if he’s interested in renewing his vows, it could be for several reasons.

1) He did something to ruin the old ones and wants a do-over. This is classic male behavior. When we screw something up, we want a second chance. We don’t really deserve it, mind you, because the screw-up wasn’t accidental. It was just stupid. The words “men” and “stupid” often appear in the same sentence because we don’t think about things before we do them. We’re impulsive and weak that way. Men invented baseball and government, which is a telltale sign of our commitment to stupidity.

If this is the reason for the sudden vow renewal, your husband probably slept with someone else. Maybe it was Rosalie. Perhaps reduced exposure to jailbait porn would help curb his temptation in the future.

2) You’re confusing him. Men are easily confused (see the above association between “men” and “stupid”). Women absolutely mystify and terrify us because we just don’t understand you. And when we’re in love, fear and confusion are a volatile mixture because we want you to be happy.

What I’m getting at is that it’s possible that you’ve made him feel as though you’re angry or unhappy. This tends to put a man in Danger Mode, and he’ll do anything to reverse it so that he can resume being impulsive and weak. In this case, your husband would ask himself what he has to do to make you happy.

This brings us to another aspect of male behavior. We know that making you happy is always directly connected to doing something we hate. Shopping, foreplay, and spending time with your friends are all excellent examples, but marriage is the Holy Grail of Things-We-Do-To-Make-Her-Happy.

So it’s possible that the vow renewal is just a grand effort to make you happy forever so that he’s free to be stupid for the rest of his life. “Hey! I married you TWICE!” is what he’ll say ten years from now when you discover that he blew your retirement savings in three hours of online poker.

If this is the cause, call him on it. He won’t expect you to be reluctant and knows that planning the event will be completely on you, so trust me when I say that he hasn’t thought beyond the proposal. So ask him, “Are you just doing this to score points?”

I guarantee you he’ll say “Fuck!” and walk away mumbling something about know-it-all bitches.

3) He lost a bet.

If this is what’s got him proposing again, don’t you dare say yes. Helping him settle the bet is a gateway to the whole online poker thing. Proceed with caution.

I hope that this insight helps, though I really don’t see how it would.

Regards,

Dr. Jags

Tags: vows, renewal, jetsons, george jetson, marriage