Apology Not Accepted
At 4:13 this morning, someone knocked on my door.
At 4:16 this morning, someone started pounding on my door.
At 4:17 this morning, someone started pounding on my door so loudly that waking up started to seem like a good idea.
The last time this happened, there was a big honkin’ fire in my apartment complex that almost killed me. It also happened just after 4am on a Monday morning, so I really started to fear for my life.
This is what I found when I opened the door…
Woman I Never Met: “Oh my God! Thank God you opened the door! Do you have, like, a phone I can use? I live upstairs and I locked my keys inside and I have to go to work and I’m going to be SO late and I can’t get in my car and my cell phone is on my coffee table! I am SO sorry!”
Now I was starting to fear for her life. I gave her the phone, but it got me thinking that there are a lot of times when “I’m SO sorry!” just doesn’t cut it…
1) “Oh God! I TOTALLY wasn’t looking where I was going! I was on my cell phone, looked up, and there you were! Right in the middle of the crosswalk! Jesus, I think your legs are broken. Can you move? Wow, your shoes are all the way across the street! This is really gross. I think I can see your brain. I’m SO sorry!”
2) “Wow. We, like, seriously wrecked the hell out of your country. I could have SWORN you had some weapons of mass destruction around here somewhere. I’m SO sorry!”
3) “Hey! You’re awake! Listen, we had a guy scheduled for a vasectomy at the same time as your appendectomy. Let me say up front that I’m SO sorry about the mix-up…”
4) “You know the new rug? Pooped on it. And those $200 boots you like so much? Ate ‘em. Neighbor’s cat? Fucked it. Oh, threw up pieces of dead squirrel on your bed, too…”
5) “Barbra Streisand is still alive. So is Michael Moore. I’m SO sorry!”
6) “Hi! It’s been SO long since I talked to you! Hey, you haven’t had any cold sores lately or, like, a burning feeling when you pee, have you? … Oh. I’m SO sorry!”
7) “”I slept with your wife. It only happened five or six times. Yesterday. Please don’t tell your mother. I’m SO sorry, son!”
See what I mean? If you’re about to do something that no amount of “Sorry!” can cover and it’s 4:13 in the morning and you’re standing on my doorstep, DON’T. Go across the hall instead. I hate that bitch.
And tell her I’m SO sorry about her cat.
[…] We stopped and looked at each other as I raised my hand up to eye level to inspect the cut. When I bent my thumb, blood shot out about four feet in two directions, one of which was directly onto her shirt (neener neener). She drove me to the hospital, apologizing the whole way (“I’m SO sorry!”). Four hours and seven stitches later, we resumed a four-year relationship that lasted roughly four years too long. And my thumb hasn’t worked right ever since. […]
Watch subject. Bush goes ballistic about other countries being evil and dangerous, because they have weapons of mass destruction. But, he insists on building up even a more deadly supply of nuclear arms right here in the US. What do you think? Is killing thousands of innocent civilians okay when you are doing a little government makeover?
Are we safer today than we were before?
We have lost friends and influenced no one. No wonder most of the world thinks we suck. Thanks to what george bush has done to our country during the past three years, we do!
so i saw the most dumest sighn of all in cache vally
caushion robotic unmaned vichichals on road