Let’s talk about testicles. (The number of people leaving the site after reading the first sentence of a new entry just tripled.)

I was watching America’s Funniest Home Videos with a woman last night when a volleyball clip came on. There was a powerful spike going out of bounds, heading directly for the line judge. It was going to hit him in the stomach. He tried to jump over it, so that it would pass between his legs. It hit him in the crotch and he instantly assumed the hit-in-the-balls position.

Now, women think they know how this works. As the clip finished, Tracy winced and went, “ooooohhh.” Then they showed it again in slow motion and she said, “ouch.” Then the show went to commercial. “What was he thinking?” Tracy asked, perplexed.

“Yeah, that was kinda stupid, but he’s okay. His reaction was just a reflex,” I replied.

This was fascinating to Tracy, who is a co-worker that I carpool with. I mention that because fascination with male genetalia would typically be a Good Sign, if you get my drift. Just don’t want you getting the wrong idea.

The point here is that women don’t understand the whole right-in-the-nuts thing. Men know instinctively whether true damage has been done. So here are 7 things all women should know about getting hit in the nuts…

1) It doesn’t always hurt. Chances are, unless something hits the twins coming upward between the legs, it’s not going to hurt. This guy got hit head-on (sorry) with a volleyball. No damage there. Now, later in the show when a kid fell straight down on a hand rail while skateboarding? That hurt big time. Tracy knew this, and thus began to understand, because I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and shouted, “Oh, DAMN! No reproduction for you, stupid!”

2) To the untrained eye, it always LOOKS like it hurts. This is because of the genetic male reflex: Cover balls with both hands, fall on knees, make absolutely no sound, and wait. This is mandatory whenever anything even comes close to the Testicular Danger Zone, because…

3) It never hurts right away. For whatever reason, taking a shot in the sack doesn’t register any sort of pain for at least 15 seconds. This is very much like covering your eyes during a scary movie or your ears when the fireworks launch: You’re waiting for something very shocking and unpleasant. You assume the position and wait, preparing yourself for the worst, because…

4) When it does hurt, it is the end of the goddamn world. Describing the sensation is difficult, because it’s a pain unlike any other. It’s kinda like really breaking a bone. You know, when your arm or leg bends completely the wrong way. It’s not the pain that gets you, it’s the severe discomfort in knowing that there’s nothing you can do, no way you can move it or cradle it to make it feel better. Your brain says, “SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG! DON’T MOVE! DON’T BREATHE! NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO JUST DIE, IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY!”

5) Leave him alone, ladies. There’s nothing you can do to help. This is the one time in your relationship where he will not want you anywhere near his junk. You don’t understand; you don’t have the genetic reflex. The best you can do is sympathize. Assume the position with him and wait until it’s over. Oh, and…

6) It’s okay to laugh. We know getting hit in the nuts is funny. If it wasn’t funny, America’s Funniest Home Videos would have been cancelled 15 years ago. Also, the laughter will hit us directly in our pride, which is when we’ll decide that it’s time to get up, pain or no pain. This we learned from our fathers. “Walk it off,” Dad would say, no matter the type of injury. You could have just had your legs chewed off with a weedwhacker, and there your dad would be, “That don’t hurt. Walk it off. Don’t be a sissy.” So please feel free to laugh, because it helps the speed of recovery. However, do not laugh if the guy has assumed the crotch-covering position but his testicles are lying 20 feet away. That’s not funny, no matter how it happened.

7) If you were responsible for the strike, do not stop running until you reach Montana. You’re really in no danger, because even when he gets back to his feet, he’ll still be hunched over and breathing awkwardly for at least another couple minutes. But absolutely run away, because he will want to kill you. You might be his loving wife, and he may have several beautiful children, but there is no protective bond stronger in this world than the one that exists between a man and His Boys…

This was fun. Maybe tomorrow I’ll explain jock itch to women…

Tags: testicles, in the nuts, in the balls, top 10